Sexual Assault - find help

"The (unspoken) messages received by children who are sexually abused will have a devastating impact on them"

Definition

Sexual assault is when another person deliberately touches you in a way that goes past your personal boundaries. This can include touching your genitals (penis and testicles) or touching your backside and can include sexual intercourse or exposing sexual body parts. Sexual abuse may also include forcing a child to look at sexual photos, pose for sexual photos or participate in pornographic (sexual) acts.

Sexual assault can happen by an adult male or female or a girl or boy older or around your same age.

Sexual Assault is always against the law.

You have the right to refuse being touched in any way you are not happy about – whether the touch involves a sexual component or not.

Normal touch

It is important not to confuse normal physical affection for sexual assault. Everyone needs the loving touch of another person to nourish them emotionally – to help us feel good about ourselves. This good type of touch however can sometimes cause an erection of the penis in boys – because anything at all can produce an erection in teenage boys! It does not mean the touch was a sexual assault or that there is anything wrong with you or wrong with the person touching you.

The fear of being seen as gay forces many boys to live in emotional isolation and miss out on this appropriate life-giving touch from others. This can progress to problems with the boy’s perception of himself being accepted as a male and all the flow-on effects from that issue.

Media and Sexual Assault

The media has been very effective at exposing a hidden problem which has damaged the lives of many young people. Pedophilia (sexual assault against children) is a crime that needs to be exposed and stopped. The publicity has correctly caused parents and young people to be extra careful in order to ensure all possible safety from people who would exploit our young people sexually.

In some areas the public perception has swung too far in the "be careful" direction. There is a generation of boys who now allow the fear of pedophilia to stop all meaningful relationships with adult males. They also allow the fear of being called "gay" to stop meaningful relationships with boys their own age. A boy needs to know he is accepted as a male and this can only come by "rubbing shoulders" with other males of all ages.

I suggest there is a middle ground that parents need to find to encourage their child into the necessary adult male interaction outside the family while ensuring safeguards are in place. I know of two widowed mothers of teenage boys who fostered their boy’s interaction with a Christian youth leader in a deliberate attempt to meet their son’s needs for an adult male in their lives. At the same time, they came along to the organized youth activities to "help out" and keep an eye on things until they were satisfied their sons were in as safe an environment as any parent can determine. Those boys have since matured into balanced, normal young men who know their place as males accepted in this world.

What happens when someone sexually assaults you?

Often you are left with mixed feelings – it might have felt good at the time or it might have been the most horrible thing that has ever happened to you. Either way you are left with all these mixed, mainly negative feelings. There may even be a freaky desire to repeat the situation because of the "false intimacy" it produced. It can feel like you are finally close to another person if you haven’t been very close to other people before. It can feel like your need for love and attention has finally been met even if you have to endure the horrible physical side of things again. On the other hand, the experience may leave you not wanting to get close to other people at all and go out of your way to avoid another similar encounter.

Does this mean I am gay?

Guys often wonder if they are gay because they got turned on when they were assaulted. "Does this mean I am gay because I cum when this man sexually assaulted me?" Some guys will wonder what it is about them that attracted another man or sometimes a woman to come onto them in this sexual way.

No – it does not mean you are gay if you felt pleasure or even cum during the assault. Your body responds to touch, especially the parts of your body to do with sex. For example, your penis is very sensitive to touch and easily responds when you or anyone else touches it in a way to produce pleasure. The nerves in your penis don’t know whether you, another male or a female is touching it. It is just programmed to respond in a sexual way and then to cum if the touching continues that far.

No – it does not mean you are gay if another male chose you to sexually assault. It does not mean there is something about you that attracts gays or pedophiles. It does mean you were in a place that created an opportunity for the other person to satisfy their sexual cravings at your expense. It could have happened to any other young guy in the same situation.

What are the negative emotions after being sexually assaulted?

Why did God let this happen – doesn’t He care?

God gave every person a free will to do with their life as they want to – good or evil. There are consequences to every person’s choices both for that person and for those people around the person as well. An example is when a country’s leader goes to war – many will lose their life because of the decision of that leader. God generally won’t intervene unless people ask Him to. Ask God to intervene now in your situation – He is waiting for you to come to Him. He saw your pain as you were being assaulted. He felt your pain. How can He help you? Jesus took your pain onto himself when He died on the cross! That is why you can be free of it. Jesus took the load off your back. Your restoration is there for the asking.

"Come to me and I will give you rest – all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke ("yoke" means a burden that makes you feel crap) …… let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; for I give you only light burdens" Jesus in the Bible (Matthew 11:28-30)

What to do about it.

Firstly – it has to be stopped from happening again. You have to take control of the situation where the assault might happen again. You must stop going to the place where the previous assault happened. If it is a boy or girl around your own age they might call you frigid or gay (especially if it was a girl coming on to you). If it is within your family, then you may even need to leave the situation with the support of a trusted adult or counselor or at least get help to stop the assault from happening again. Most countries have community or church groups, government departments and telephone help lines set up to help you if you find yourself in this sort of situation.

Are there any adult friends you can trust who you can tell about the situation? You need the support of a close friend (preferably adult) who you can trust completely and who will stand by you as you work your way out of the situation you are in. Nothing is so bad that you cannot talk about it. Counselors are used to dealing with these sorts of issues, so they won’t freak out when you tell them your story.

You have to take action to stop the assault from happening again. The action must be legal – trying to kill the person is not a suitable solution – there are better ways to deal with things.

Don’t destroy yourself by escaping the sexual assault situation and then going into a worse situation. For example, don’t leave home and then live on the street or at another house where you won’t be safe.

The situation you are in may be bad, but the decisions you make from here must be ones that ensure your protection and leave the way open for you to still have a fulfilling and safe life. Choose life – even if there are other easier options available to you to blot out your past.

Things you need to know.

It was not your fault. Another person has violated your boundaries and entered your "personal space" without your permission.

Don’t torment yourself that it was your fault – even if you were actively seeking affection from the person at the time. Adults have the experience to know when normal affection can cross over to a sexual encounter and must be the ones to protect your personal boundaries.

You should seek professional counseling to overcome the effects on your mind and spirit. This should happen fairly soon after the events and ongoing over a period of time if you later find you are having trouble overcoming the issues.

You need to forgive the person who wronged you and any others you perceive did not protect you when they should have. This is important and not easy to do. It means you choose to give up your right to pay back the person who wronged you. For your own emotional stability this step has to be taken otherwise you will suffer a life of unrelenting torment. A counselor friend of mine describes it this way "everything inside you doesn’t want to, but it is a step of faith to choose to forgive".

The most effective way to restoration is to invite God into your situation. Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and set the captives free. The support of a Christian counselor will greatly help with this step. They will know how to dismantle the "soul ties" that form when sexual activity occurs between two people.

Legal Issues

In most countries it is compulsory to report to the authorities if you have been sexually assaulted. Because this website is viewed all around the world, I can’t give definite guidance for every country on the way the reporting is done.

Finally….

There is a way out from the situation you probably feel trapped in right now. You will probably need counseling to fully overcome the effects on your mind. There are people around who are used to dealing and helping with sexual assault issues – they won’t think badly of you for asking for help.

Unfortunately, you can’t ignore the fact you were sexually assaulted as though it didn’t happen. The sad truth is that you will have a high likelihood of doing the same thing to your own or other children after you grow up, unless you receive counseling help.

This crime generally gets passed on from generation to generation unless it is deliberately stopped. Take the courageous step to stop it in our life.