Bonking - sexual relationship bonding

What on earth is ‘sacred’ sex

Have you ever been told that sex outside of marriage is wrong and sinful and when you asked the obvious question "Why?" all you were told is "Because God says so in the Bible"? The message you’re given is ‘don’t question it, just accept it’. If you were then brave enough to ask, "But why did God say so?" the chances are you got some fairly vague answers.

Just maybe among these answers you could have been correctly told that it has something to do with the fact that while sex certainly is a highly enjoyable physical thing, there is much more to it than just two bodies having a good bonk. You may have been told that sex is also a thing of the heart, something spiritual, even sacred – that to mess around with intercourse outside of a deeply committed long term relationship is to mess around with your own and someone else’s heart and spirit, and to play games with something powerful and sacred. Now while most of us have a deep inside ‘knowing’ that this just has to be true, we all find it really difficult to understand and to describe in words exactly what these terms mean when it comes to sex and sexual relationships.

In this article I am going to try and share some ideas about ‘sacred sex’ that hopefully will help us understand what it is about. So hold tight, here goes!

‘Sacred Sex’ explained

Firstly, you have to understand about ‘Heart’ and ‘Soul’

The vast majority of people since time began (no matter whether they were religious or not), have always believed that each person has what is commonly called ‘a heart’ (and they are not referring to your blood pump either). We all talk about believing something in our heart or loving someone with all our heart, or giving our beloved our heart. What do we mean by this?

Heart is explained in a variety of ways. Perhaps it is most commonly seen as our deepest inner self, our deepest center, the deepest special inner space from which we love and from which we can give to receive love from another. There is another main word for heart. This is of course the word soul, and soul seems to carry an even deeper meaning than heart. Countless love songs talk of giving your heart and soul to another or loving someone with all your heart and with all your soul. People talk of ‘looking after your soul’, believing that the state of our soul determines who we really are deep down. For example, a cruel person is often said to be ‘heartless’ or to have no ‘soul’. This isn't’t actually true, it’s just that they have worked hard to stifle the voice of their soul or, worse still, come close to throttling it to death.

Virtually all religions see that perhaps the most important function of our soul is that it is the place where we connect to and to some degree merge with God. But in addition to this, and a really important thing to grasp in order to understand sacred sex, is the fact that our soul is also where we connect most deeply with other people. We often hear people talk about looking for a ‘soul mate’, and most of us know that this sort of relationship is deeper than mere physical and/or emotional attraction.

By the way, a lot of people mistake their emotions for their soul and totally mess their own and others’ lives up by living entirely at the mercy of their immature unpredictable emotions. Just look at the soaps on TV for a glaring example of this. But that’s another issue. Back to the fact that our soul is the place where we connect most powerfully with special other people.

This brings us to a very important fact

It seems that we have been deliberately designed, at both a physical and spiritual/soul level, so that in the act of sexual intercourse, the penis and the vagina, as they move together, are actually forming much more than a mere physical connection. They are forming a soul connection between the couple, whether the couple want this to happen or not.

Now it is important to realize that ‘soul connection’ can be formed in many other ways that may not ever involve sex. For instance family members, especially twins, often have strong soul connections. So can close friends, especially men who have developed mateship relationships forged in the fire and horror of war. But it seems that sex has the power to form a unique type of soul bonding. The evidence for this is vast. Here is just one instance.

When a couple finds a strong attraction beginning to form between them, what is it that they hunger to do most of all? You’ve got it, they want to have sex, and more sex and sex as often as possible. If they do begin a sexual relationship then what will happen is that they will over time begin to weave a strong soul connection with one another. The coming together of penis and vagina in intercourse is much more than a purely physical thing. It is the beginning of the interweaving of two souls.

If the couple keeps their sexual relationship going the chances are they are going to end up, for good or ill, strongly ‘soul connected’. The time this takes varies. It can happen quite quickly, perhaps in as little as a couple of weeks, or it may take several months.

I am not, by the way, saying that couples can’t fall deeply in love and have a real soul connection, without having sex. Clearly many couples married in the past, and some still do today, not having had sex until they were formally married.

What I am saying is that the weaving of souls caused through sex is expressly designed by God to help create the special connection and closeness that will provide a solid basis for, hopefully, a life-long relationship together.

What do you think the implications are for casual sex?

Let’s list some of them.

• All those guys and girls out there screwing around with anyone who will ‘do it’ are giving away little bits of their souls in every sexual encounter they have. No wonder so many sexually promiscuous kids and adults in time end up very wounded, confused and unhappy people.
• Rush into bed with a girl where the only thing you have in common is your shared desire to have sex, and before you know it you will begin to weave a soul connection to her. You might both be determined to keep it ‘sex only’. You can’t. Your souls will start their weaving despite your best efforts. The big danger is that before you know it you are ‘connected’ to a person you have very little in common with and with whom you only wanted a brief sexual fling. So when the inevitable occurs and you break up, guess what happens? You both end up really hurt and torn apart inside as your soul weaving is ripped away. This is the explanation behind the expression ‘suffering a broken heart’. To be more accurate, it is suffering a torn soul.

Next (and guys, this is really important)

As a general rule females are far more intuitively aware of the power of ‘sexual soul connection’ than your average horny guy. In fact, most guys haven’t a clue in this area, they are more likely to be led around solely by their dicks! This explains why girls are far less likely to want ‘casual sex’ before there is any sort of real relationship with a guy.

A girl is programmed to know (even though she may have no conscious understanding of it) that in opening wide her legs to have sex, she is also opening wide the deepest part of her being. This is why most girls are generally slower to rush into sexual relationship than guys are. They are far more protective of what they are likely to call their hearts – as well as very aware that it is they who could be left literally ‘carrying the baby’! This is a great protection for us guys so don’t knock it. And don’t you dare ever use the old lie ‘I love you’ just to get a girl into bed. This is nothing but a very nasty form of sexual abuse.

The fact that God has made women in this way explains why they are so traumatized if they are raped. Think about it. The major part of the woman’s trauma is not just that she was physically entered and violated. It is something far more important that was violated – her deepest sacred center, her soul.

The vagina and penis: extensions of our souls, expressed in flesh

The vagina and the penis are immensely powerfully parts of the human body. They are nothing less than the outward physical extensions of our souls!

The vagina in a quite literal sense is a God-given physical entrance to a woman’s soul and has rightly been called ‘the grand entrance hall to the ballroom of the soul’. More than that, when a woman truly trusts and loves a man and without reserve gives herself passionately in the sexual act to her lover, her physical vagina becomes an actual channel through which the power and energy of her soul pours out and in a very real sense floods and permeates the inner being of her beloved.

Likewise the penis is, in a quite literal sense, the physical outlet and intake of the man’s soul. When a man with true commitment, integrity and real love gives himself to his beloved in passionate sexual intercourse, his penis is in a very real way his soul expressed in flesh. It is his soul sliding deeply into the soul of his beloved. Soul in soul – and the two shall become one! At the point of orgasm when the sperm is propelled forth, the man’s body (especially his penis) and his soul merge into an amazing and mystical oneness, easier to experience than to explain, in which there is a pouring out of his soul power into the depths of his beloved.

In turn he receives into his own center the outpouring of the woman’s soul love and her welcome to him to enter her soul. No wonder we call both male and female orgasm ‘coming’! No wonder loving sexual intercourse is so healing, and brings such an amazing and virtually indescribable sense of closeness and oneness between a couple.

On the other hand, selfish sex that is only out to use the other person as a body to get whatever an individual can grab by way of physical pleasure is a thing that almost always leaves both people feeling grubby, and the girl in particular used and confused.

The more deeply we commit ourselves to understand and define sex in terms of its true God-designed power and purposes, the more likely we are to live our lives growing in the healing and rich joy that a loving committed sexual relationship will bring a couple. And in turn this will help to empower and improve all the other vital non-sexual areas of our relationship. This then is ‘sacred sex’.

Further Information

This page is a very brief summary by Bruce Puddle, a former NZ Baptist Minister and is based on his book called "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" which looks in detail at this particular question and has heaps more really interesting and helpful information.

Contact Bruce direct for more information about this particular subject or for information about his book: bpuddle@ihug.co.nz