Choosing a partner

Consider these facts

You may be very attracted physically to another person or even engaged in a great sexual relationship with them, but that does not mean necessarily that you love them or that you are meant to be together or that you actually have a good relationship with them. (15)

"Making a commitment to the right person will emotionally liberate you. Making a commitment to the wrong person will emotionally imprison you" (15)

"Most people put more time and effort into deciding what kind of car or video player to buy than they do into deciding whom to have a relationship with"

Qualities to look for in a potential mate

Physical attraction is just one element of a compatible relationship but it alone will not be enough to make you and your partner compatible. For total compatibility you'll need mental attraction, emotional attraction and spiritual attraction.

"The attraction should not only be based on how your partner looks, but also who they are and how you feel about yourself when you're with them."

"The key to choosing the right partner is to look for a person with good character, not simply a good personality"

Definition: Character determines how a person will treat themselves, treat you and one day treat your children. It's the foundation of any healthy relationship.

If you think of a relationship as a cake, personality is the icing, but character is the substance of the cake. (15)

Outward appearance and sexual appeal may be part of the attraction to a potential mate, but neither has the power to hold a couple together. Physical attraction is like perfume. You smell the fragrance when you put it on, but within minutes your sense of smell is saturated and you barely notice the scent. Similarly, unless you go beyond physical attraction to know the real person , the relationship won't last. (36)

Good Character Traits

Commitment to Personal Growth.

Your partner is committed to learning everything they can about how to be a better person and a better spouse (husband or wife).

They are willing to receive help and guidance in the form of books, tapes, lectures, seminars and counseling if necessary.

They are conscious of their weaknesses and problem areas.

They have personal goals for their own self improvement and you can see specific, positive changes in them over time.

Emotional Openness (Emotional Generosity)

An intimate (close) relationship is based on shared feelings.

Find a partner who is generous with their love (gives love freely, abundantly and without restriction). This means a partner who regularly tells you how much they love you and shows how much they appreciate you.

Emotional openness in a partner gives you access to their inner world.

Integrity

Honesty, integrity and trustworthiness are essential ingredients for a healthy relationship. (not telling the truth is the most significant way couples destroy intimacy)

Honest with themselves (not lying to themselves in self deception)

Honest with others (if you doubt your partner's integrity, you'll lose respect for them)

Honest with you (doesn't hide parts of their life or personality from you)

Look for a partner who is up front about how they feel and what they want, and someone whose actions match their words.

Maturity and Responsibility

Maturity. They can take care of themselves (earn enough to support themselves, keep their living space relatively clean and know how to feed themselves)

Responsible. They do what they say they are going to do (requires action)

Respectful. Look for maturity in your partner by noticing how respectful they are of yours and others: feelings; time; possessions; boundaries.

High Self Esteem

Your partner can only love you as much as they love themselves.

A person with low self esteem loves in order to feel good about themselves.

A person with high self esteem loves because they feel good about themselves.

Your partner takes pride in themselves. They are satisfied with who they are now and who they are becoming

Your partner takes good care of themselves. Someone who mistreats themselves and doesn't mind it, won't mind mistreating you either.

Your partner doesn't allow others to abuse them. The more you love yourself, the less you'll allow others to mistreat you.

True self esteem manifests itself in action. Look for a partner who does something about their goals instead of just talking about them.

Positive Attitude Toward life

Love thrives in a positive atmosphere and starves in a negative atmosphere.

Relationships are much easier when you are with a positive person.

Negative people: focus on problems and resist solutions; find something or someone to complain about; allow fear and worry to rule them; are cynical and pessimistic about the future; don't trust easily.

Positive people: focus on finding the solution; turn obstacles into opportunities and adversity into lessons; trust in their ability to make a difference; believe that things can always get better; use their vision to change their reality.

Compatible Religious Beliefs

For most people, spiritual values and beliefs aren't topics of discussion in the early days of a relationship.

Generally, religious incompatibility only becomes an issue when the relationship has matured and become more serious making it much more difficult to resolve.

Ask your partner early in the relationship what religious and spiritual values they would like to pass on to your children. Nothing forces us to examine our values and beliefs more honestly than thinking about raising children! (15)

Marriage

The pathway to marital happiness and fulfillment is found in pouring yourself into loving, serving and fulfilling that person, not in looking for someone you think may bring YOU greater happiness.

When the focus is on the sex act, the partner as a sex object, and (your) personal sexual satisfaction, boredom is likely. But when the focus is on nurturing the total relationship and fulfilling the dreams and expectations of your mate, marital life - including sex - remains an exciting and rewarding experience. (36)

Conclusion

Almost every intimate relationship has an element of physical attraction to it. It is important not to make relationship decisions motivated "between your legs" but to keep your mind looking at the big picture about whether you are really compatible with the person you are physically attracted to!