I have seen
many young men in severe mental torment because they have
a great sexual relationship with a person they are not
compatible with. (Author)
Consider these facts
You may be very attracted physically to another person or
even engaged in a great sexual relationship with them,
but that does not mean necessarily that you love them or
that you are meant to be together or that you actually
have a good relationship with them. (15)
"Making a commitment to the right person
will emotionally liberate you. Making a commitment to the
wrong person will emotionally imprison you"
"Most people put more time and effort into deciding what
kind of car or video player to buy than they do into
deciding whom to have a relationship with"
Qualities to look for in a potential mate
Physical attraction is just one element of a compatible
relationship but it alone will not be enough to make you
and your partner compatible. For total compatibility
you'll need mental attraction, emotional attraction and
attraction should not only be based on how your partner
looks, but also who they are and how you feel about
yourself when you're with them."
"The key to choosing the right partner is to look for a
person with good character, not simply a good
Definition: Character determines how a person will treat
themselves, treat you and one day treat your children.
It's the foundation of any healthy relationship.
If you think of a relationship as a cake, personality is
the icing, but character is the substance of the cake.
Outward appearance and sexual appeal may be part of the
attraction to a potential mate, but neither has the power
to hold a couple together. Physical attraction is like
perfume. You smell the fragrance when you put it on, but
within minutes your sense of smell is saturated and you
barely notice the scent. Similarly, unless you go beyond
physical attraction to know the real person , the
relationship won't last. (36)
Good Character Traits
Commitment to Personal Growth.
Your partner is committed to learning everything they
can about how to be a better person and a better spouse
(husband or wife).
They are willing to receive help and guidance in the
form of books, tapes, lectures, seminars and counseling
They are conscious of their weaknesses and problem
They have personal goals for their own self
improvement and you can see specific, positive changes in
them over time.
Emotional Openness (Emotional Generosity)
An intimate (close) relationship is based on shared
Find a partner who is generous with their love (gives
love freely, abundantly and without restriction). This
means a partner who regularly tells you how much they
love you and shows how much they appreciate you.
Emotional openness in a partner gives you access to
their inner world.
Honesty, integrity and trustworthiness are essential
ingredients for a healthy relationship. (not telling the
truth is the most significant way couples destroy
Honest with themselves (not lying to themselves in
Honest with others (if you doubt your partner's
integrity, you'll lose respect for them)
Honest with you (doesn't hide parts of their life or
personality from you)
Look for a partner who is up front about how they
feel and what they want, and someone whose actions match
Maturity and Responsibility
Maturity. They can take care of themselves (earn
enough to support themselves, keep their living space
relatively clean and know how to feed themselves)
Responsible. They do what they say they are going to
do (requires action)
Respectful. Look for maturity in your partner by
noticing how respectful they are of yours and others:
feelings; time; possessions; boundaries.
High Self Esteem
Your partner can only love you as much as
they love themselves.
A person with low self esteem loves in orderto feel good about
A person with high self esteem loves becausethey feel good about
Your partner takes pride in themselves. They are
satisfied with who they are now and who they are
Your partner takes good care of themselves. Someone
who mistreats themselves and doesn't mind it, won't mind
mistreating you either.
Your partner doesn't allow others to abuse them. The
more you love yourself, the less you'll allow others to
True self esteem manifests itself in action. Look for
a partner who does something about their goals instead of
just talking about them.
Positive Attitude Toward life
Love thrives in a positive atmosphere and starves in
a negative atmosphere.
Relationships are much easier when you are with a
Negative people: focus on problems and resist
solutions; find something or someone to complain about;
allow fear and worry to rule them; are cynical and
pessimistic about the future; don't trust easily.
Positive people: focus on finding the solution; turn
obstacles into opportunities and adversity into lessons;
trust in their ability to make a difference; believe that
things can always get better; use their vision to change
Compatible Religious Beliefs
For most people, spiritual values and beliefs aren't
topics of discussion in the early days of a relationship.
Generally, religious incompatibility only becomes an
issue when the relationship has matured and become more
serious making it much more difficult to resolve.
Ask your partner early in the relationship what
religious and spiritual values they would like to pass on
to your children. Nothing forces us to examine our values
and beliefs more honestly than thinking about raising
to marital happiness and fulfillment is found in pouring
yourself into loving, serving and fulfilling that person,
not in looking for someone you think may bring YOU
When the focus is on the sex act, the partner as a sex
object, and (your) personal sexual satisfaction, boredom
is likely. But when the focus is on nurturing the total
relationship and fulfilling the dreams and expectations
of your mate, married life - including sex - remains an
exciting and rewarding experience. (36)
Every intimate relationship has an element of physical
attraction to it. It is important not to make
relationship decisions motivated "between your legs" but
to keep your mind looking at the big picture about
whether you are really compatible with the person you are
physically attracted to!
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