Puberty Sex information - Teenage Boys


Homosexual (gay)

I'm freaking - I think I'm heading that direction!
Dad and son
Primitive cultures exhibit an intuitive understanding that boys need special help and encouragement to grow into their masculine identity. (42)


Homosexuality is a very complex issue. On one hand we have political as well as some professional and church organisations proclaiming that homosexuality is a 'normal' condition which a small percentage of the population will experience. Other professional and church organisations declare homosexuality as a 'fluid' condition which can change over time with or without intervention.

We are presented every day with the 'normal' view by most of the media. This page focusses on the less publicised 'alternative' views of reputable organisations. Editor


Sexual imaginations
The stage of life when the physical changes from boy to man are occurring.
Heterosexual (straight)
Having a sexual attraction to the opposite sex
Having a sexual attraction to the same sex (SSA) or the same gender (SGA). Without external influence, many youth who experience these SSA/SGA feelings of attraction are not on a path to becoming homosexual/gay! (10)
Having progressed from SSA/SGA to define yourself as 'sexually attracted to the same sex'. Definition is loose - sometimes 'homosexual' can mean SSA/SGA.
Having a sexual attraction to both sexes. A lot of young guys go through a phase where they are sexually attracted to people of both sexes.
A social and political identity. Having embraced the homosexual lifestyle for themselves outwardly as well as inwardly. Definition is loose - sometimes 'gay' can mean 'homosexual' or SSA/SGA.

Other more common names

Poofter, poof, gay, queer, homo, queen, fag, faggot, nancy, fairy, fruit, shirt lifter ...and lots more...

The Concerns

outcast teen
  • Does masturbating mean I'm homosexual?
  • If I get an erection around other boys, does that mean I'm homosexual?
  • If I don't have a girlfriend, does that mean I'm homosexual?
  • I'm still a virgin, does that mean I could be homosexual (or frigid)?
  • I had a sexual dream about another boy, does that mean I'm homosexual?
  • Could I have been born homosexual?
  • A man tried to get me into his car - does that mean I'm attractive to gays?
  • What is gay and what is not gay?
  • I have fantasies about other males, does that mean I am homosexual?

How it all fits together

Birth to 3 yrs old


Little boy needs to take on internal male identity

Mixes well with other boys

Feels different to other boys

Puberty begins
Puberty begins

Desires may come alive that indicate SSA
If boy believes he is homosexual
SSA comes alive or gets stronger

Genuine emotional need for adult male attention, affection, approval and closeness
Genuine emotional need for adult male attention, affection, approval and closeness

Interaction with suitable adult males to complete boy's internal masculine identity
Not successful
Cannot overcome childhood issues, homosexual identity or absence of adult male affirmation


Searching for masculine identity using other males

Adult masculine identity forming

Come out as gay


Puberty finished
Puberty finished

Adult male with heterosexual desires
Adult male with homo-
sexual desires + gay identity
Adult male with homo-
sexual desires

The flow chart above visually represents a commmon thread of 'cause and effect' uncovered by several organisations which specialize in therapy for guys who want to be free of SSA . Other factors can come into the equation that can also "lock-in" a guy's brain in the same way.

  • sexually experimenting with other guys
  • sexual abuse from another person
  • choosing homosexual lifestyle
  • judgement by friends (of a guy's sexual identity)
  • loneliness (making him more vulnerable to another guy's sexual advances)
  • previous bad relationship with a girl

Sexual Identity - the teenage years

Young boy going through 'homosexual' phase"As new sex stimulated drives emerge, adolescents seek out a love object to whom they can direct their feelings. Although most boys will not admit it, their need for affection is real and they feel too old or ill at ease to direct it toward some family member. The first love object of young boys is usually an adult of the same sex. This is called hero worship. The adult usually has qualities that the boy admires and would like to possess, so he identifies with him. The boy may imitate the dress, behavior and mannerisms of the idealized adult and this is the first stage in an emancipation (release) from the family. Through identification and dreaming the boy obtains emotional release for the beginnings of his sexual-affectional needs." (1)
Homosexual (SSA) attraction of young students is usually temporary (if not encouraged) and may be unwanted. (67)
Typical young guyOriginally, I had only been interested in other guys and was actually convinced I was homosexual. But at about age 14 I lost interest in guys and switched over to girls. age 16, Colorado (3)
You will pass through this phase in your own time (usually in the early stages of puberty) and your timing may be different to your friends. It is important not to get involved in sexual acts with other males during this period because your sexuality is fluid (not rigidly gay or straight). You might lock your sexual nature on a course that you ultimately don't want it to go if you get involved sexually with other males. Editor

Don't label yourself...yet

Boys often feel pressured to label their sexual identity at a young age. There is then an expectation that they must live with that identity for the rest of their life.

Confusion about ones sexual orientation is a fairly common occurrence around the time of puberty. (10)

Boy trapped by his own labelAnother study showed that early self-labeling as homosexual or bisexual is one of the top three risk factors for homosexual teen suicide attempts. The risk of suicide decreases by 80 percent for each year that a young person delays homosexual or bisexual self-labeling. (29)

Rather than affirming teens as gay, counselors should affirm them as individuals, but encourage them to wait until adulthood to make choices about sexuality. (30)

??Q: In some schools it has become chic to "come out" as a gay, lesbian or bisexual teen. Programs like Project 10 and gay student clubs encourage this. What's your reaction?

A: A study reported in Pediatrics, the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics (Vol. 89, April, 1992) surveyed 34,707 Minnesota teenagers reported that 26 percent of 12-year-olds are uncertain if they are heterosexual or homosexual. This is significant because only about 2 percent will actually identify as homosexual in adulthood. This means that almost 24 percent may erroneously (wrongly) be identified as homosexual if they are affirmed as gay at age 12! (30)

Donna Rene Hopkins, program director for New Creation Ministries in Fresno, Calif., a counseling resource for those who struggle with homosexuality, meets with sexually troubled teens. "Homosexuality is probably the prominent issue among our youth across the country today," says Donna. "Coming out has almost become a fad." Donna, who fell into lesbianism as a teen, understands first hand the sexual pressures kids face. (10)

In the identical twin studies, Dr. Whitehead has been struck by how fluid and changeable sexual identity can be. "Neutral academic surveys show there is substantial change. About half of the homosexual/bisexual population (in a non-therapeutic environment) moves towards heterosexuality over a lifetime. About 3% of the present heterosexual population once firmly believed themselves to be homosexual or bisexual. Sexual orientation is not set in concrete." Even more remarkable, most of the changes occur without counseling or therapy. "These changes are not therapeutically induced, but happen 'naturally' in life, some very quickly," Dr. Whitehead observes. "Most changes in sexual orientation are towards exclusive heterosexuality." The number of people who have changed towards exclusive heterosexuality are greater than current numbers of bisexuals and homosexuals combined. In other words, ex-gays outnumber actual gays. The fluidity is even more pronounced among adolescents, as Bearman and Brueckner's study demonstrated. "They found that from 16 to 17-years-old, if a person had a romantic attraction to the same sex, almost all had switched one year later." NARTH report

Always been homosexual?

Homosexual boyyou know what tho its not a choice to be gay or not because i gaurentee if i could have chosen to have a deep voice and not be feminine and not get beat up everyday of my life thru out highschool then i would have been str8 and i would have chosen not to but it is something you cant help. i didnt choose this no matter how you wanna look at it. email from teenage boy

There will be a small number of guys who feel like they have been different all of their life - like they never fitted in - like they were always homosexual - even that they must have been born that way because they have felt this way from their earliest memories of life.

??Could a person be born gay (through the genes or chromosomes)?

This is in the media a lot but it is not accurate. Read this report on the born gay theory summarized from many sources. The people who did the research were pro-gay but say there is no evidence to support the claim of 'born gay'. Here is another resource which highlights the research of the born gay theory.

Your problem is not your homosexuality. Homosexuality is not about sex. Your problem is about a deep sense of pain and alienation (feeling different) that you experience. You are a lonely and suffering guy in emotional pain. That pain is about not belonging and not feeling connected. It is a gender identity problem. Sex is a means of covering up the pain of your alienation. Dr Joseph Nicolosi NARTH (31)


??I have fantasies about males, does that mean I am gay?

When the body and mind are growing and developing during adolescence, it is very common to have fantasies about the same gender during masturbation sessions. Young men frequently wonder if their friends are developing as fast as they are. They may question whether their friends masturbate as well, or if they have had sexual intercourse. New feelings and changes in the body can create quite a bit of curiosity. This is sexually arousing to many people simply because the thoughts revolve around sexuality and sex organs. At the same time, adolescence is a time for the development of a person's identity. When developing an identity, we tend to take a very close look at those around us of the same gender. In doing so, certain males will be more appealing to us than others. The males we would like to be similar to will appear more attractive. Although we may not want to actually have sex with them, at a time in life when just about anything can be erotic, this emotion can manifest itself as sexual arousal. (3)

See the complete report about gay fantasies that this answer was taken from.

Dad handing over keys for life Dad Advice
Every guy expects their sexuality to be black or white. Reality is there are lots of shades of gray that no-one prepared you for! Read the full report at the link above.

Male bonding

Society has brought confusion about the difference between "love" and "sex". Young people need to hear that they were created with a need for same-gender love, which today is often interpreted to mean same-gender sex.

Dad and son
Emotional intimacy and sex are often confused messages in a teen's mind. In reality, a boy's interest in other males may simply be the desire for affirmation and attention (of a male) that he lacks at home. (10)

Intimacy, Not Eroticism

A particular benefit of the Double Loop experience (therapy) for many men is that it assures them that a felt emotional connection with another man need not be 'gay', and that feelings that come up through an emotional connection with another man are healing and affirmative. (46)

Two sides to the gay story

Where does homosexuality come from? Born that way All kinds of stuff happens growing up when you are real young - later it feels like you were 'born that way'
How much of the population is homosexual? 10%
2-3% modern research (47)
Will you be homosexual for the rest of your life? Yes "Once gay - always gay" Not necessarily
Is it a choice to be homosexual? No Homosexual desires normally just appear but it can sometimes be a choice
Can you change from homosexual to heterosexual? No Yes, many do with or without mentoring!
How should you handle your homosexual desires? Accept them Seek change if you are unhappy with them.
Are homosexual thoughts a sin? No No
Does God love homosexuals? Yes Yes
How much publicity does this view get in the media? Very high Very low and negative

First you believe an idea, your choices follow your beliefs and then you live with the consequences. You owe it to yourself to find the facts, think things through and make sure your beliefs are correct. You are responsible for where your life goes, not the media or the education system - they won't be there when it comes time to for you to live with consequences of your choices!

Dad handing over keys for life Dad Advice
This is important! If you struggle with SSA/SGA, you need to understand all sides of your situation. So much is riding on what you choose to believe!


One of the main factors in mentoring is to help the male resume his (internal) journey into masculinity. NARTH have interviewed hundreds of homosexual men who volunteered to tell their life story and similar trends appeared in every case - an interrupted journey into their personal masculinity. The good news is that it is not the end of the story. This generation can benefit from the brave ones of a previous generation who chose to bare their souls.

Parent mentoring before puberty

Father mentoring sonSince males are characterized by what they do, then parents can help a young child to build a (internal) masculine identity by helping him DO male things. Boys who are having trouble in this area often tend to spend more time with girls. Parents can gently manipulate to create more opportunities to help the boy relate better to other boys. The whole point is to develop pride in being male.

Boys need to do the things that men do and find the affirmation that is a necessary part of growth. Every time you put forth an effort at achieving manhood, regardless of your failure or success at achieving the immediate goal, you have increased your manhood. (42)
Masculinity is an achievement. Men must support boys in this quest. (43)

Adult male mentoring during puberty

Boys in puberty need an adult male beside them in some form to complete the masculine identification process. Peers and women can't help here.

Boys bondingYou have to move into their (mens') arena of action; don't expect them to move into yours. The primary key is to say yes to mens' invitation to join them. Every time you are invited into that world, they are acknowledging that you are a man. They are affirming your manhood. But you must be willing to join in. Their simply asking you to join them has some affirming value, but being with them, joining with them in the context of what men do, will offer far greater affirmation. We need the words of affirmation that we didn't receive as little boys. We need them to come from men and we need them to be offered in the context of what men do because "doing" is a trait of manhood. (42)

Specialist mentoring

See section below for some groups that specialize in helping teenage boys and men recover and complete their journey into an adult masculine identity.

Boy with fatherOur failure to let our fathers be our fathers is a primary cause of homosexuality. You cannot become a man until you have been a son. You cannot be a son until you have acknowledged or honored your father. (42)

'Change' resources

Gay guys
"Young people, wrestling with a variety of issues, are being encouraged to 'come out' as a cure for their problems. But there are many, like me, for whom this well-intended advice has led to heartache. I now know that change is possible and I share my testimony in hopes that others will realize there is another option." (32)

In 1997, NARTH surveyed 882 individuals who had experienced some degree of sexual-orientation change. Before counseling or therapy, 68 percent of the respondents perceived themselves as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual. After treatment, only 13 percent perceived themselves as exclusively or almost entirely homosexual.

Link to 'Brothers Road' website

BROTHERS ROAD - "An international fellowship primarily of men from homosexual or bisexual backgrounds who - for our own, deeply personal reasons - typically do not accept or identify with the label 'gay' and prefer instead to work to minimize or eliminate our sexualization of other men. We represent a significant alternative to gay-affirming identities and lifestyles." (66)

link to PATH website

VOICES OF CHANGE - The purpose of the web site is to publish stories about change of sexual orientation, expressed by real people in the United States and elsewhere.

link to FACTS ABOUT YOUTH website

FACTS ABOUT YOUTH (Facts) is a resource designed to give educators, parents and students important science-based information about healthful approaches to youth who may be conflicted about gender identity and sexual orientation. This site is a project of the American College of Pediatricians.

'Pure Intimacy' website

PURE INTIMACY is run by Focus on the Family and is another great resource for understanding therapy for unwanted homosexual attraction.

link to NARTH website

NARTH is a professional organization of psychiatrists, psychologists, family counselors, certified social workers and educators dedicated to researching and treating homosexuality.

The president of NARTH, Dr Nicolosi has published a "must read" book if you have a child struggling with homosexuality:

Link to purchase book Preventing Homosexuality A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality
Joseph Nicolosi Linda Nicolosi
Format: Paperback, 250pp.
ISBN: 0830823794
Publisher: InterVarsity Press
Pub. Date: October 2002

Dr Nicolosi also has a website promoting freedom from unwanted SSA.


Email #1

A 15 year old boy from the USA had unrelenting curiosity about wanting to see another male masturbate. He went to extraordinary lengths on the Internet to set up a meeting with a stranger to satisfy this desire . After he contacted me for advice, he canceled his meeting with the stranger at the last moment. The 15 year old boy's comment:

Boy no longer homosexual"...I decided since I was getting baptized today that I have to make up my mind. I deleted my website and told the person I was going to meet I wouldn't meet them. I want to stand firm in my decision, but it seems when I took the courage to make the decision, my desire was not there anymore to do those things. This morning I got baptized in front of the whole church about 3,000 people in one service. And I'm glad I did. I want to follow Jesus and His ways only. And not go in the middle."

Email #2

Young man free of homosexualityI went through an experience about seven years ago when the enemy was convincing me that I was gay. It started with little thoughts that I found very disturbing. Then came the dreams, vivid and powerful dreams. The feelings and thoughts became more frequent. Then the voices (thoughts) telling me that you are born this way and it is not that bad. Just about when I was convinced, God prompted a brother to call me. He started the conversation out by saying, "You'll never guess what I have been through! The enemy almost convinced me I was gay!"

Our stories were the same and the processes were identical. I know that the next step would have been to set up an opportunity for it to manifest. I know, because it has happened to others.

The enemy was exposed and his plan ruined. I have not dealt with it since. Through this experience I have had much mercy in my heart for those who have been caught in this snare. Just realizing that it is the enemy is the first step to freedom and freedom can be had.

Email #3

Name :
Email: Date : Fri Aug 25 23:37:56 2000
Comments... Thank God that someone is willing to talk openly and honestly about male sexual development. The sexual awakening of many young men has been ignored by too many for too long. Boys need to understand that being attracted to another man is not sin, is not an indication of being gay, and is a normal part of maturing. I wish this information had been available to me when I was a teenager, I might have avoided a lot of pain and misery. I might also have avoided being an AIDS patient.



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