Will always be an attractive mystery
Image by Nicki Varkevisser CC BY 2.0 Cropped

Hard but worth the effort

Some extra knowledge will help

Today - purpose of girls

The saturation of sexualized images of females is leading to body hatred, eating disorders, low self-esteem, depression, high rates of teen pregnancy and unhealthy sexual development in our girl children. It also leads to impaired cognitive performance. In short, if we tell girls that looking "hot" is the only way to be validated, rather than encouraging them to be active players in the world, they under-perform at everything else.

The sexualisation of girls is not just shattering the lives of girls and women, it is preventing boys and young men from relating to girls and women as complex human beings with so much to offer them. It is preventing boys from forming healthy friendships and working relationships with girls and women. Instead, it is nurturing potentially violent abusers, rapists and johns? (other relational problems). Ultimately, it means boys are not free to be themselves, to know their own humanity.

...seemingly normal guys have grown up to see and understand women as existing for their pleasure.

Girl/Boy differences

Boys are into 'doing' and bond through shared activities
Girls are into 'being' and build closeness through conversation
Boys are into independence
Girls are into connection
Boys resist relationships
Girls value relationships
Boys are turned on mainly by what they see
Girls are turned on mainly by touch and romance
Boys are turned on quickly
Girls take time to be turned on


Pornography prevents boys from forming normal and healthy relationships with girls. Implicit (theme) in pornography is the understanding that women exist to be exploited and exist primarily for the pleasure of men. They do not need to be embraced as friends or wooed or admired. Rather, they are to be conquered, used and left behind. Boys that immerse themselves in pornography are not able to fulfill their God-given roles as leaders and protectors. They are, instead, exploiters.

...she realized that men she dated just wanted to use her to act out what they saw when they watched pornography. They didn't care for her as a woman or even as a person, but saw her only as a means to achieving their porn-induced fantasies. Young boys and girls are growing up now with this mindset.

Girls clothes

Most women (girls) have no idea how powerful and pervasive (effecting every part of us) the sex drive is for us men. Not a clue!

Girls have no idea what it does to a guy when he sees some 'illegal' skin. The present western culture encourages girls to dress to get a sexual response.

Most guys have a lot of trouble with this - seems good in the immediate, but can cause lots of problems afterwards.

What a hassle it is - everywhere you look you get turned on without meaning to. I'm having trouble controlling this and with some girls you just don't know where to look when you are with them.

16 year old boy, Australia

What should a guy do? RUN AWAY!

Hot Girls

When a guy sees a girl dressed to seduce, no doubt he looks, but the smart guy doesn't buy in to it. Is this the girl you would take home to meet your parents and extended family? Don't think that she will stop the seduction game if you go out with her. This type of personality is often high on the chase rather than the result. If you go out with her she will still be seducing other guys behind your back - that is what her game is all about - conquests!

Girls like this are often still looking for their father's attention and affirmation they missed out on as a little girl. That need is transferred to any guy who will oblige a sexual favor. Problem is, that the past need can't be met that way, so the relationship with the guy has no substance and probably won't last. Pain - guy loses.

Some say it is like buying a car - you have a good look at the flashy sports model but probably settle for something more practical, cheap to run and will last a long time!

Prostitutes/Girls with lots of sex partners

For some guys it can be hard to resist the attention of this person who seems to want you like you have never experienced before. If a girl is coming on to you like this then wake up - she has already had sex with others and she will go on and have sex with more after she has finished with you. Pain - you lose big time

Sometimes well meaning 'friends' will pressure you to have sex with a prostitute because you couldn't possibly go much longer as a virgin and still enjoy life. You need to stand by your convictions and take control of the situation. NO is the answer. If they persist, ask them which part of 'NO' they don't understand.

Remember, you are the one in control of your life - not your friends. If you think your friends will like you more if you do what they say then think again - they will find something else to bug you about - that is their nature if they are hassling you (and their nature won't change.)


Wrong motives

Several girls at a Boston High School formed a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together.

This pact made the news - there are plenty of other individual cases out there with no publicity. The girl sometimes thinks the baby will give her the love she is craving.

How would you know a girl was like this? She could be very physical with you, doing things to sexually arouse you, pressure to have sex, coming on strong. She is on a mission to have sex, get pregnant and leave you.

How would you feel at the time? Probably overwhelmed that someone wanted your body that much. Hooked on the attention and the (probably) new feelings you are experiencing.

How will you feel in the end? Used and abused with your heart ripped out.

HER: I have protection under control using birth control pills
HIM: Could mean she wants to get pregnant, had multiple partners, already has an STI/STD or a 'conquer' personality - BEWARE

Teach boys that there are women who are givers, others who are takers and others who are manipulating pathological narcissists. Men can be in all three categories also, of course. But remind them [boys] with humor to ‘keep it in their pocket’ until he has lots of time to get a bead on the person and get their measure (know what makes them tick). Behavior will come out. It always does.

I know of 2 young men right now who are hooked up with the most wicked and unhealthy and selfish young women. Both have a baby now. And will have to deal with their unbalanced partners for life no matter if they stay or leave. They are not thriving. Life could be so different for them.

Scary what a few fleeting moments of pleasure have as consequences. Complicated life when it doesn’t have to be…… people can grow and change - the story isn’t ever over, yet. But narcissists can take advantage and destroy a person’s life. Buyer beware…. if a person cannot mutually give and receive healthy love……time is the essence to show it.

Mother of two girls (also mentors other girls) - 45, Washington USA
A person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. Narcissists think the world revolves around them. Google 'narcissist' for more details
Buyer beware
Normally used when buying second hand cars – if you buy a car and later discover it has problems, then too bad – once you have handed over the money, the problems are yours (even if it was a sexy looking car)


Run away?

Joseph was a strikingly handsome man. As time went on, his master's wife became infatuated with Joseph and one day said "Sleep with me."

He wouldn't do it.... She pestered him day after day, but he stood his ground. He refused to go to bed (have sex) with her.

On one of these days he came to the house to do his work and none of the household servants happened to be there. She grabbed him by his coat saying, "Sleep with me!" He left his coat in her hand and ran out of the house. When she realized that he had left his coat in her hand and run outside she called her house servants: "This Hebrew shows up and before you know it he's trying to seduce us. He tried to make love to me but I yelled as loud as I could. With all my yelling and screaming, he left his coat beside me here and ran outside."

When his master heard his wife's story....Joseph's master took him and threw him into jail...

Sometimes you might have to run physically and get out of a situation or deliberately avoid certain other situations. Other times you might have to run in your mind and put a 'wall' up so the girl knows you are not available. Also stop flirting and giving signals to 'come on'.

Just then, a woman met him— she’d been lying in wait for him, dressed to seduce him.

Don't fool around with a woman like that; Don't even stroll through her neighborhood. Countless victims come under her spell; she's the death of many a poor man.

What sort of girl then?

A proven recipe for a long term relationship appears to be when two who are good friends, marry and start having sex together. The sex completes an already great relationship. The sex with one who you have become good friends will be much more rewarding than immediate sex with a person using you to satisfy themselves.

There are exceptions - such as people who know they are 'destined' to be partners from their first meeting. Others by-pass the friendship stage and go straight to a romantic relationship successfully. There does not seem to be a recipe to make it all work at your will. You can however create opportunities that can lead to forming a relationship with a girl.

Where are you going to find a girl who wants a meaningful relationship in a culture that says 'do it now'? Clue - she probably won't be the girl dressed to turn you on with a glance at her exposed body. She won't be the one with her hand down your pants either.

She will be a girl living to some sort of standard and big picture for her life. A committed Christian is a possibility here. If you are a committed Christian too, then there would be some common goal in the relationship and purpose to both of your lives. You would both be walking in the Bible standard of being 'equally yoked' together.

Image by Jean CC by 2.0

The term 'yoked' is from old days when two oxen were used to plough fields - if both oxen had the same purpose in pulling the plough, all went well. If they had different purposes or motivations, then nothing worked properly.

Sounds old fashion by the cultural standards continually thrown at you? No doubt, but it still works - ask happily married couples who have been together for a long time.

Give credit to your partner for keeping you happy, give and forgive, enjoy spending time with each other, share the same beliefs.

Interview with couple married 60 years - Sunday Telegraph Feb 10th 2008 (Australia)


Chemistry is when you hit if off with a girl and you seem to have some sort of connection together. The feeling is great and there is something you like about being together.

It could be love, lust or infatuation you are feeling. This link gives a great comparison between infatuation, lust and love.

My 'friend' finds a particularly girl really sexy, but everyone knows she manipulates people by using emotions - like you do what she wants and she will like you. What should 'he' do?

16 year old boy, Australia

Tell your 'friend' he would be better off to stay away from her because she won't change her method of relating to others - you, I mean 'he' is in for a lot of pain with a manipulator like her. Finding someone sexy is not a reason to follow through with a relationship. If it was a reason, then in the future you will definitely be unfaithful to your marriage partner - because all guys find someone else sexy at times. Become friends with someone else who is not going to use you.

Have a look at the Partner page to gain some insight on how to find a person you could be compatible with.

That girl you really like

Strange how when you really like someone, you have trouble talking to them and feel uneasy in a way when you are together. You can be great friends and then you officially graduate to 'going together' and things change. Neither of you are spontaneous or feel relaxed any more when you are both together - at least at the start.

The easy answer is - there is no easy answer! You need to continue being yourself - after all, that is what attracted that person to you in the first place. Be honest about how you feel - they will probably be feeling similar to you.

You need to learn how to relate to girls and that girl in particular. It is not all about you anymore. If you want the relationship to grow, then it has to be about her now. Learn what her 'love language' is and speak her love language as needed but don't overdo it.

Build an emotional connection

An emotional connection is one of those fleeting, powerful things that can seem all too rare and all too outside one's control.

And learning to connect with people on an emotional level is one of the most powerful, practical, wide-reaching skills you can possibly learn. If you haven't given much thought to this one before, it's high time you started.

Cohabitation (living together)

A majority of couples in western countries choose to live together as opposed to marriage as the first arrangement. Marriage may or may not follow. Try before you buy with often no committment!

It is good to know the facts before committing to cohabitation. The separation rate up to 7 years is higher for couples living together, and then after 7 years the rates of separation are the same as married couples.

The sexual soul ties between the cohabitating couple would be as strong as for a married couple, which can then leave the partners just as devastated if the relationship ends.

Couples who live together seem to have the most successful outcomes when they have already made a clear commitment to each other.

Evaluate your motivation for living together. Is it just out of convenience? Is it to spend more time together? Are you uncertain about the relationship and want to make a more informed decision? Or, is it a prelude to marriage? If cohabitation is limited to a person's future spouse and there are plans to marry, there is no elevated risk of divorce.

Original plan

It's not good for the Man to be alone, I'll make him a helper, a companion....God made Woman and presented her to the Man.

Equals - a man and woman complement each others' unique biological nature - physical, emotional, mental. Together they are designed to share the highest pleasure available on earth with their shared lives and sexual relationship based in the outward committment of marriage.

From a Christian perspective, God has put you on earth with unique abilities with a purpose to fulfill during your lifetime. You will both add value to each other's abilities to more completely fulfill that purpose in both lives. There is a unique satisfaction from finding and fulfilling your unique purpose as partners with a combined purpose.