Sex addiction

Personal stories
Image by Nicki Varkevisser CC BY 2.0 Cropped

Sounds like the best addiction...

A desire that is inappropriately strong

Please pray for me and put my story up on your site so that others can learn from my mistake!

15 year old boy USA

Today

Many people think that an addiction to sex would be a great thing - indulging those great feelings all of the time! Read some true life stories below to know what it is really like.

Other teenagers will think they are addicted to sex when in reality they are only experiencing the results of normal surges in hormone levels which they are not familiar with. They have never experienced dreams and sexual thoughts about other people as consistently as they do now. They think the worst first - SEX MANIAC/SEX ADDICT when actually it is all normal.

In the sex saturated society we live in, it is very easy to allow sex to have a problem profile in our lives - simply because sex is normalized to such a high level around us. The 'normal' you experience is actually 'above-normal' in the opinion of a lot of ordinary people and specialists.

Definitions

Pornography
material that is sexually graphic (movies, videos, books etc.) used to  become sexually aroused.
Aroused
inciting, provoking or stirring up a sexual response.
Addiction
life devoted to a particular habit
Sex Addiction
Engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others. (psychcentral.com)
Hormone
natural substance in the blood (testosterone) which causes physical sexual changes (puberty) and causes sexual desire.

Baseline reference

The baseline reference point is NOT 'no sexual events at all'. The baseline for teenagers is new to them and can easily be misinterpreted to be a problem forming. Every teenage boy will have his sexuality awakened - ready or not! This means many personal changes including:

  • a new personal sexual appetite
  • an increased interest and curiosity about other people's bodies (both male and female)
  • far more thoughts about sex than you ever had before
  • regular erection of the penis
  • wet (sexual) dreams
  • masturbation (which seemingly can't be overcome)
  • fantasy (deliberate imagination of sex with another person for personal gratification)

Many boys think they they have become "like the rapist they saw on the T.V. news" because of the power of this new sexual nature that has burst upon them.

The reality is that this is all normal and is common to every male. The sexual aspect is to be a great part of every man's nature to bring pleasure and ultimately union with one woman in marriage.

The problem comes when a guy allows his sexual nature to dominate and control his personality and creep into other areas of his life.

Why do we have lust capability?

It is the sexual desire that attracts us to the beauty of a female body. It is this sexual desire that will join you 'as one' to your marriage partner. That is why we have this powerful force within us - to ultimately bring great satisfaction with a lifelong marriage partner.

What is sex addiction?

Sex addiction can manifest with just yourself or involving other people. It is a behavior which is usually covering some other disorder in the person's life.

...distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.

...sex addiction also involves “compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship

The same compulsive behavior that characterizes other addictions also is typical of sex addiction.

...people may avoid difficult emotions such as sadness or shame and seek temporary relief by engaging in sexual behavior. Sexual cravings, therefore, can mask other issues such as depression, anxiety, and stress.

1st unedited email

I am a 15 year old Male. I grew up in a Christian family. I have an addiction to pornography on the internet. I have an Internet Service provider that tries to block these sites. My addiction is so strong that I found a way to get to the sites before they were blocked. I also found a way to access the internet without my internet service provider. I downloaded a program that lets me access tons of porn. I spent 480 dollars in an hour and a half. After I did all this I started to freak out. "how am I going to tell my parent when they get home". "How am I going to pay for this?". "God, please help me get though this". I read my bible and I searched up masturbation help sites like yours. I did all this in one day and I haven't yet told my parents about the phone bill (they haven't gotten home yet) please pray for me and put my story up on your site so that others can learn from my mistake! Thank you.

15 year old boy USA

Thanks for sharing your story and yes I will put it on my site as a warning for others. My advice is that you have to tell your parents the truth. Sooner or later they are going to know anyway. They may well react badly initially, but all good relationships are based on honesty - even when the other people don't want to hear it sometimes! Your parents will most likely want to help you and you should accept their help - I don't need to tell you again the affect porn can have on you.

Any other method you would think of to get around this problem will probably take you in further e.g. running away from home, self harm etc. Face the problem head on - you would be surprised how many young (and older) men battle with pornography.

2nd unedited email

My story is different from the ones that are on the web site. Mine deals with the addiction of sex. I believe the AA folks have it right; once an addict, always an addict. I think this true because the addictive feelings are now part of you.

When I was younger, 5 or so, my parents divorced. This is coming to be a norm for most children now. Anyway I mention it because I never really had a good male role model when I was in my impressionable years.

In junior high school I was a small kid and was physically and emotionally picked on. One joke was that I masturbated. That and the company I was around started getting into pornography. Magazines that were stolen from shops were kind of passed around. I eventually bought one off someone.

It was a "hard-core" magazine. It showed penetration and group activities. I was raised in church, but it was more ritualistic than God directed. I knew that the magazine was wrong, but I was also allured by the "joy" of sin.

I hid the magazine and looked at it when I was home alone, everyday after school. I got excited from the sexual arousal of seeing naked women and men and women having sex.

Soon I found out about masturbation (6th or 7th grade). It was after taking a shower after looking at the magazine. I was aroused and after drying myself I "discovered" what masturbation was.

I was going to get rid of the magazine one day, after realizing what I was doing. My parents found it in the bottom of my bed the night before and confronted me about it. I lied. So that blew over and I learned that I could get away with what I was doing. It fueled it more.

Then masturbation was my high. I did it while I was unable to get pornographic material. In high school, I was able to get back to pornographic material. I now had an unlimited supply of it: the Internet. Now what had begun with simple images of nudity and occasional intercourse turned into all the perversions of the Internet sites.

Those images started me masturbating more. Sometimes it would be 3 to 4 times a day. Other days were too busy so I couldn't. Soon the pornography and masturbation weren't enough. It wasn't satisfying the void. Then I found that I could get something more from the internet. I could get videos of couples having sex. Then I only sought those that had sound with them.

At this same time the masturbation perversion went up. I started using my pillows to "simulate" a woman's body. I would use toilet paper or condoms from the community college to keep from making a mess. The whole time things were worsening, fantasizing reached sickening proportions.

I started out fantasizing about the "models" in the pictures I saw. Next it turned to girls that I had conversations with. Some of which I considered friends. Some I really wanted to have closer (healthy) relationships with. See I never learned how to express my interest in the opposite sex.

Once leaving for a four year school things got worse. I had started making God a priority in my life but I couldn't get away from what it was that I was doing. An Ethernet connection in my dorm room kept my pornography lust fulfilled and growing. I had troubles both academically and with my living condition. This made me retreat into my pornographic and masturbation addiction more. It reached the point where I was doing that so much that it hurt me sometimes.

Upon leaving that four year school, I found hope back home. I was able to find a church where I am now able to correct the behavior and thoughts in an accountable and yet nurturing environment. I was able to pick up a book that was written by a pastor that helps others with sexual addictions. It is titled "Pure Desire" by Ted Roberts and the ISBN number is 0-8307-2335-8.

This book has helped me look not at the problem of pornography and masturbation in my life but also the things that built those addictions into my life. I am able to start living a better and happier life. I still have struggles with things though.

I am 21 years old. I have never kissed a girl and I have never had a girlfriend. In whole because I never learned how to express my feelings toward women that I liked or in general. I also programmed my mind to see them as physical pleasures to be sought after.

It hurts me to know that. I am working on making female friends but it is hard because I want a wife and I want to have children with her. I want to love her and my children and raise them WITH her.

Ted Roberts makes the point that there is a difference between a man and a boy. A boy wants things his way, now. A man can put others needs above his own. One particularly strong point is that a man can fulfill the emotional needs of his mate. I don't have the faintest clue how to meet the emotional needs of a woman. I have never had a close enough relationship with one.

I don't tell this to make you feel sorry for me. I brought it onto myself. We reap what we sow. I tell this story of my most private and shameful history so that others might not fall into the same living hell that I lived for the better part of 10 years. There are highlights to it though.

I thank God that a woman that wanted sex never found me. I fear that I would have had sex with a woman and I would be far worse off than I am now. That is a blessing. The thing about sex is that is isn't between your legs, it's in your head. Sex is how you perceive what you are doing. In that respect, I used pornography and masturbation as a drug to placate a hole in me. If it would have gone to sex, prostitution is an easy way to get it, and it will get you at some point.

If you are in sexual relations with someone, stop. Find an accountability partner to help you through your struggles. I can't tell you how relieved and freed I felt after telling a friend of mine that I had a problem with pornography and masturbation. It came through choked utterances and tearful eyes, but it was done. Read "Pure Desire." Most importantly right now you need to make a decision to change what you are doing. The first thing I recommend after finding an accountability partner is to make a plan. Make a plan on how to avoid falling by planning ways out of temptations. Not to make things OK or acceptable, make a plan on what you are going to do if you have a relapse into that behavior.

The most important thing is to remember that Jesus paid the price for your sins. And he knew you would need it 2000 years ago !!!! And when He hung there on that cross and scorned its shame, Jesus' blood washed your heart of your iniquities, just as David said in Psalms.

Those things remind me of how important God is in instituting change and reconciling the past. Those two things make Jesus our Father, and most importantly, our Friend.

What you can do about it

The first step to recovery for anyone in sexual bondage is to come out of the darkness of hiding and face the truth in the light.

If you can't manage to control the addiction yourself, then get help! Try the book referred to above. Talk to a counselor (secular or christian) - you're not the first person to face this problem.

10 signs you are a sex maniac
10 signs you are a sex maniac
pure intimacy - christian based help site
www.pureintimacy.org
(Christian based - copy & paste link)